Georgia Love adventures onwards, with her posse of handsome (fire)men and warring models: so let’s adventure with her!
You know the drill. ‘Hmmm, where could Osher be?’ the boys wonder, just before he emerges and pulls a date card from a pants pocket no mortal has ever had on their pants before. It’s a single date, and tonight’s recipient is Clancy.
‘Now that he’s shaved his beard off,’ Georgia Love confesses to us, ‘when it comes to Clancy: THE THIRST IS REAL.’
Bless you, Georgia Love, even if your opinion about Clancy’s beard is entirely incorrect.
This is a New York themed date, because G Love confesses to us that travelling to New York with a partner is one of her romantic fantasies. However, because she doesn’t have the dollars to actually take Clancy to New York, she’s recreating New York in Sydney. I assume this means that the date is taking place at, like, three in the afternoon before lockout laws kick in.
We’re all clear on the reasons why New York is considered romantic, right? It’s all to do with romantic comedies. Cool? Cool.
They start off by listening to some music in a small bar, before they head out to an ice rink they have all to themselves. Clancy tells Georgia that the last time he went ice skating was at Rockefeller Centre in New York, and her eyes light up. ‘OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE SO ROMANTIC,’ she tells us.
However, it turns out that he is the worst ice skater in the history of the universe. ‘I don’t know what was happening with Clancy’s legs,’ G Love says. ‘I’ve seen him walk — he’s fine at that. Put him on ice … wow.’
Despite this, he manages to fall into her a few times, so they get to have some hugs with sexual tension. Rawr.
Ice skating, quite apart from the New York thing, has a few romantic connotations because ice skating partners — eg Torvill and Dean — have to be in total sync to make things work. It’s an exercise in trust, while also looking shiny and spectacular. Plus, there’s this whole thing where the cold of the ice contrasts with the fire of erotic attraction. This one’s a bit of a gimme, so I’m amazed that Bachie didn’t make any jokes about G Love and Clancy steaming up the ice in their promos.
Then they head to a bar for the traditional wine and cheese portion of every Bachie date. ‘There’s chocolate as well — not just cheese!’ Georgia Love tells us, because she is a lady with her priorities smack-bang in order.
Likewise, they have the ‘OMG I can totally open up to you’ conversation that is traditional for a contestant headed to the final four. Nothing too much of interest is said — it’s basically, ‘I like you!’ ‘I like you too!’ ‘Have this rose!’ ‘Thanks!’ snog snog snog, but it’s quite nice.
‘You’re a better kisser than an ice skater,’ G Love whispers against Clancy’s lips, because she is a sassy romance heroine made flesh.
Then it is time for the group date. This time: a medieval date! The dudes have to dress up and battle for Princess Georgia’s heart.
So there’s obviously a lot that’s just silly fun about this, but the medieval period is really tied up with the origins of romance, so this is actually a brilliant date. What we think of as ‘romantic love’ emerged in the eleventh and twelfth centuries. The European tradition, which is what this is playing off, emerged in France, with the idea of courtoisie (courtly love). In the courtly love tradition, a noble knight would pin his affections on an unattainable, often married, woman, and perform great deeds to win her favour.
Importantly, these relationships were a) not consummated or even really requited, and b) not really a thing that existed too much in reality. While some aristocrats might have played at courtly love — it was basically a code of behaviour for knights moreso than anything else — courtly love wouldn’t have had much of an effect on the masses.
It did, however, greatly influence our literature: if you think of all the King Arthur romances written during the medieval period, the Lancelot/Guinevere relationship is a perfect example of courtly love (until they go and requite and consummate it, which messes everything up). As such, courtoisie is the ancestor of many of our romantic narratives — and who knows? Maybe without it, we wouldn’t have Bachie.
This was all just my long-winded way of saying that I think this is a well-planned date.
They divide into teams and begin with a game of that well-known medieval activity Capture the Flag (while wearing amusing knight costumes and cardboard crowns and carrying bows, obvs). Sam’s team loses, and he is disappointed because he thought his team were ‘better looking’. Lol k.
Next, they have to run the gauntlet, with the two who get hit the least by arrows fired by the other contestants to go through to a final round to battle for G Love’s affections. The boys strategise among themselves, and they decide that Ryan (who?) hasn’t had enough time with Georgia, so they deliberately make sure he gets through. Courtney is the mastermind of this, and when it’s his turn to run the gauntlet he basically wanders through, ensuring he gets shot as much as possible.
And G Love doesn’t like that at all. ‘How embarrassing,’ she says. The ‘for him’ is implicit.
The final battle is between Ryan and Rhys, who have to duel (which in this case means shoot each other with rubber arrows). Rhys wins, much to the glee of Sam: ‘He does more damage when he’s talking,’ he tells us.
Clearly he doesn’t understand the appeal of terrible poetry. G Love might choose to keep Rhys around as a source of amusement FOREVER.
Rhys’s stated objective, in the one-on-one time he gets with Georgia Love, is to tell her that he wants her to chase him. As you can imagine, that provokes an eyebrow raise from our mother of dragons — especially when he requests that she replies to his poetry with a poem of her own. Whether he consciously realises that he’s on the wrong track is one thing, but he seems to realise subconsciously, because he changes tack to the traditional reality TV pastime of throwing people under the bus. However, he won’t tell G Love who he thinks in the house is shit, which provokes a second eyebrow raise. This is the eyebrow raise of THIN ICE.
Cocktail party time! G Love has barely sat down with her boys before she is whisked away by Osher. ‘Why?’ everyone wonders …
The answer is INTRUDERS, because an excellent lady like our queen G Love deserves as many handsome men as possible in her harem.
Osher takes her to Richie and Alex’s secret ivory tower, where she receives her intruders one by one. They are:
Matteo: a total romance novel Italian hero. He is from Florence, he is very handsome, and Georgia Love about melts on the ground. He’s also a model, so you can imagine Sam will have a few thoughts about this once he finds out.
Todd: enters carrying a guitar and cracking jokes at a million miles a minute. He serenades her, and the rest of the boys, eavesdropping from the house, grumble ‘he’s good,’ and stomp off. His dream is to perform on Broadway, which makes G Love’s eyes light up.
Matteo and Todd enter the pack of dudes, who promptly start figuratively growling at them. They also make fun of both of them for being short, because we all know that men under six foot will never, ever find love. They’re pretty lucky G Love didn’t hear them say that, because she liiiiikes these two guys.
Someone she doesn’t like right now is Courtney, who she lambasts for not giving it his all on the group date. ‘It made me feel shit,’ she tells him.
‘Oh!’ he says, surprised. ‘I didn’t think about it from your perspective. Soz.’
It doesn’t hurt him at the rose ceremony, though. While G Love does leave him to last — which we all know means you’re in the doghouse — he gets his rose. Tonight’s victim is Matteo, whose Italian stallion handsomeness could not save him.
It did save us from having a house with Matt AND Matty AND Matteo, though. That would have been last year’s House of Davids all over again.
The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.