Two men enter. One man leaves. WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME DATE.
It’s time for another adventure with my TV best friend Georgia Love! As we saw with Richie, the Bachie often does not have a whole lot of personality, but my girl G Love is not labouring under this affliction. As such, I am totally engaged in her search for romance with a many muscled man. Take note, Bachie producers: cast leads with personality (ones that will provoke their harem to sing adorable songs to them en masse).
Tonight it’s time for a Bachie staple: the two on one date. This isn’t dragged out in every iteration of the franchise, but when you have two SWORN ENEMIES in the cast, it’s golden. Two men enter. One man leaves. WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME DATE.
But first, we have a single date to get through. Tonight’s recipient, somewhat surprisingly, is Courtney, making this the first of the second dates. Predictably, the dudes in the house who have not yet had a single date are a bit pissed off about this, but as I can barely remember their names, I don’t really care.
Courtney is an interesting choice for two reasons:
1. He has been kind of on G Love’s shit-list lately.
2. Lee is sitting RIGHT THERE wearing glasses looking super hot.
The shit-list one is obviously more important (although those glasses … bring me my smelling salts). ‘I just don’t know where I stand with Courtney,’ Georgia Love tells us.
Girl, when you find yourself saying that about a man, RUN.
They head to Bankstown, from whence they take a Cessna small plane to the zoo in Canberra. (Courtney manages to take up like 98% of the space in this tiny plane — once again, I say: GIRL, RUN.) Once they’re there, they snuggle with meerkats, and then Courtney snogs a rhino. Just normal, everyday date stuff.
(I feel like the I adore animals/I adore you parallel they’re going for here is pretty clear, right? I don’t have to explain that one?)
From there, it’s the traditional champagne picnic. ‘Courtney makes me nervous and makes me question things more than the other guys,’ Georgia Love tells us, provoking another chorus of GIRL, RUN from me.
She expresses the same thing to Courtney, making quite an eloquent little speech about how she likes him but she has concerns that he doesn’t like her. ‘So what do you think?’ she asks him.
His response is to pash her.
Seriously, Courtney, do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not do anything before you can answer sensible questions in words like a fucking adult instead of having to resort to the cop-out panic pash.
To be fair, there is a whooooooole romantic trope of ‘one mighty kiss will prove my mighty love!’ that Courtney is playing into, that whole notion that actions speak louder than words. But … nope. Words. Words are better. Use your words. Then you can pash.
But Georgia Love seems to enjoy it, and she gives Courtney a rose. ‘I can really see things going somewhere with him!’ she tells us, which clearly signals she has not yet seen what Lee looks like in glasses.
Then it is time for … THUNDERDOME.
Sidebar: this kind of date works particularly well, I think, in The Bachelorette. In The Bachelor, it turns into a play on that idea that the default position of women is to hate other women. In The Bachelorette, however, it does two things:
1. Plays into some old romantic tropes based in chivalric codes. Two men duke it out for the affection of a lady, and the loser leaves honourably, after having surrendered in this manly ritual of manliness.
2. Subverts these romantic tropes, because these dates are usually not what we would call honourable: they are petty af. No one (except maybe the Bachie) leaves with their dignity intact, and it’s great television.
The two men entering the Thunderdome tonight are Sam and Rhys, the Zoolander and Hansel of The Bachelorette. Georgia Love has taken them to Luna Park, because it is hilarious and also a tiny bit creepy, much like both of them.
(True story: nothing in the world creeps me out as much as the eyelashes on the Luna Park face. NOTHING.)
They say some stuff about how being there makes them happy because they’re both big kids, which makes me angry, because this whole notion that men are ‘big kids’ is code for Guess how much emotional work you’ll have to put into me to make me a functional adult, lady! And then they get on with the real business of trying to sabotage each other. Sam makes Rhys pop-and-lock. Rhys retaliates by telling Georgia Love that Sam plans on heading back to the States the minute filming ends. Normal, everyday sabotage … if you’re Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf.
Oh, and apparently Sam and Rhys share a room at the mansion. It is a travesty that this is only just being revealed now. How isn’t there a whole odd-couple male-model spinoff about them bunking together?
Then Georgia Love breaks them apart and talks to them one on one. This is how their chats go, approximately:
CHAT #1: RHYS AND GEORGIA LOVE
RHYS: Why do the work of weeding out unsuitables? Besides, I’m not looking for The One.
G LOVE: Boy, bye.
RHYS: That’s disappointing. For you.
CHAT #2: SAM AND GEORGIA LOVE
SAM: Yeah, I want to move to LA and become an actor and a presenter. Maybe you could give me some tips about being on camera?
G LOVE: Boy, BYE.
Basically, in a very short space of time, The Rains of Castamere starts playing over the date — much to the shock of the men left at the house, who are HORRIFIED when some dude comes in and carts both Rhys and Sam’s bags away. Goodnight, sweet princes.
You know what this means, guys. We’ve got rid of the villain and the comic relief. We’re now down to the real contenders. We’re getting serious about love for Georgia Love.
Cocktail party time! G Love has made everyone wear masks, because she wants to see the men behind the masks. If you want to see the men behind the masks, I’m not sure covering the men with masks is the best strategy, but I trust you, oh mother of dragons.
The star of tonight’s cocktail party is Matty, who plans a little getting-to-know-you game show. It’s actually pretty adorable, if a little shallow — but hey, one can scarcely go through the 36 questions that lead to love in five minutes, right? Plus, we learn that Matty did ballet as a kid, which … go on.
Georgia Love is impressed by Matty’s performance — as are the other dudes. ‘What if I’m not here in the morning?’ Lee worries anxiously, proving that it truly was he that was the subject of One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Spoilers: he doesn’t know he’s beautiful. Possibly because of the poor eyesight that leads to his sexy, sexy spectacles.)
Finally, it’s rose ceremony o’clock. Tonight’s victims are Matt and Todd the intruder, the very last of the ‘literally who?’ pile. There are only six men left, and we absolutely know who all of them are. Things are getting reeeeeeeeeeal.
Well, as real as they can in the Bachie bubble. But as long as ‘Lee in glasses’ is real, I’ll watch forever.
The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.