A quick rundown on the remaining men in Georgia Love’s harem, and Dr Jodi is in her element with semantic ruminations, literary history, postmodern problems, and an Auslit in-joke!
We’re into the home stretch of this season of The Bachelorette! We’re past the ‘haha, lol, look at these contestants, they’re total joke people’ stage. Now we’re into the ‘shit gets real’ stage: where everyone remaining has feeeeeeeeelings.
A reminder of where we’re at: our mother of dragons Georgia Love has six men left in her harem. These are: Lee (who looks very, very sexy in specs), Clancy (whose scruff is growing back in, thank god), Matty (has done ballet and trapeze, so TELL ME MORE), Jake (idk, not that interesting, looks like Taylor Lautner a bit), Cam (actual romance novel fireman), and Courtney (GIRL, RUN).
We cool? Cool.
As always, we start with Osher pulling a date card out of some sartorially impossible pocket in his pants. The recipient of tonight’s date is Matty! He is very pleased, and I am very confused, because Lee is not wearing glasses, but Clancy is, and it’s all just very overwhelming.
But! Let us focus on this date. They’ve gone with a bit of a time-travel theme here, although they’re remarkably non-specific about which time they’re travelling back to. G Love picks Matty up in an old-school convertible, and then they go and drink whiskey sours on a boat, so … the 1920s, I guess? I mean, you have minimal options in the early twentieth century, what with the first world war and the Depression.
They have great chats in the car and on their alcohol/intimate conversation couch. ‘The clearest sign you have a connection with someone is if you can have neverending conversation,’ Matty tells us, and I scramble to write it down so I can put it in a paper I’m writing on intimate conversation and love in Bachie. Thanks for a great quote, Matty. xx
Of course, then G Love is like, ‘guess what! it’s a dancing date!’ and he’s like, ‘there’s no better way to know if you have a connection with someone than to have a dance with them,’ and I’m like, ‘MAKE UP YOUR MIND KID, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.’
But whether it’s dancing or conversation, Matty is 100% into my TV BFF Georgia Love. ‘I feel like I’m in trouble,’ he tells us.
I am FASCINATED by how ‘in trouble’ has gone from a euphemism primarily meaning ‘I’m pregnant’ to one commonly used to signify ‘having romantic feelings for’. Filing that one away for further semantic investigation.
So they learn their dance, and then later that night they do the dance, and it’s actually SO lovely, and if Matty were wearing glasses I probably would have yelled at G Love to marry him on the spot. Afterwards, they get another couch of alcohol and intimate conversation, and Matty takes the opportunity to tell Georgia Love just how into her he is.
Spoilers: he is VERY into her. And she, judging by the angelic choir used to score their inevitable pash, is VERY into him. ‘Matty makes me feel good,’ she tells us. ‘Like the only girl in the world.’
Cough, notice how different she feels than when she was with Courtney, cough, if Matty goes before Courtney I will flip a table, cough.
And then Matty gets a rose. Awwww.
Next: group date time! The theme for this date is ‘love is blind’. It’s a three-step challenge, during which the men will not be able to use the power of their stunning looks to influence our queen Georgia Love.
Let’s take a quick detour into literary history. The phrase ‘love is blind’ is often credited to Shakespeare, because it appears in The Two Gentlemen of Verona [ BT | Amz ] in these lines from Jessica:
But love is blind and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit;
For if they could, Cupid himself would blush
To see me thus transformed to a boy.
He atte laste apoynted hym on oon (He fixed at last upon a certain one)
And leet alle othere from his herte goon (And let all others from his heart be gone)
And cheese hire of his owene auctoritee; (And chose her on his own authority)
For loue is blynd alday, and may nat see. (For love is always blind and cannot see.)
So now you know that Shakespeare was a bit of a plagiarist. Who knows? Maybe it will come in handy at a trivia night one day.
As I mentioned, this is a date in three stages, and at each stage, someone is eliminated until only the King of Boyfriends remains.
Stage One: Georgia Love has a conversation with each of the men — except they’re not the men! The actual men are in, like, a back room somewhere, hooked up to a microphone, telling their stand-ins what to say to our mother of dragons. This seems like a plan with flaws, because their stand-ins are very old — like, I feel like this could go wrong?
But it doesn’t, and everyone can hear everyone just fine. Clancy is eliminated, because he is apparently incapable of having human conversation: even the fact that his stand-in went rogue and started making stuff up on his behalf did not help.
Stage Two: The love letter stage! Each of the four remaining men has to write a love letter to G Love. It will then be read to her, but because she can’t know who wrote what letter, they each read someone else’s letter to her.
Oh, MAN, do I have some things to say about intimate letters being mediated through other potential intimate partners, but I’m assuming you want me to stay on topic and not dive into, like, some hardcore postmodern theory.
Anyway, Courtney is eliminated: not because his reader (Lee) did a bad job of reading his letter, but because he tried to write a poem. And come on, buddy, we all know that there is only one true Poet Laureate of The Bachelorette, and he left last night. (I MISS YOU ALREADY, RHYS.)
I also like to think that G Love can hear me yelling GIRL, RUN whenever Courtney is on the screen, despite the fact this was recorded months ago. Our theoretical friendship is that strong, you guys, that it can travel through space and time.
Stage Three: You really think they were going to get through a sensory deprivation date without pulling out a blindfold? In this, the post-Fifty Shades era? You fool.
It’s a dancing challenge, and to be honest, it’s actually really sexy. Georgia Love is blindfolded. The men aren’t allowed to say anything. For one minute, all they can do is dance. It sounds simple, but… wow. Where was this delicate restraint when you were filming The Bachelor, Channel Ten?
The winner and official King of Boyfriends, as elected by G Love, is dancer #2. This turns out to be Cam.
And honestly, are we really surprised that this nice boy is the King of Boyfriends? He and Georgia Love go off and drink wine and eat ice cream on a couch of alcohol and intimate conversation, and he continues to say perfect, lovely things, because he is a perfect lovely man who is also an ACTUAL ROMANCE NOVEL FIREMAN who was in the ACTUAL HOT FIREMAN CALENDAR.
Like … Cam’s not real, right? Channel Ten created him in a lab, n’est-ce pas?
Then it’s time for the cocktail party. All the dudes are trying to get our queen G Love’s attention, but I think the victor for me has to be Lee, even though he’s specs-less, who made her a whole tray of different artisanal cocktails. As your theoretical best friend, G Love, I am totally happy to take Lee off your hands if you decide you’d like the actual romance novel fireman Cam instead.
Elsewhere, the rest of the dudes are discussing the love letter challenge, and wondering how the fact that their own private words came from the mouths of other dudes affected G Love’s perception. I never thought I’d see an episode of Bachie where the contestants grappled with the postmodern problem of mediation at a cocktail party, but Bachie, it turns out, is a vast ocean of possibility.
Finally, we turn to the rose ceremony. We’re at the part of the show where the eliminees start to get a little more unpredictable, and there tends to be a lot more crying, on account of all the feelings and the ‘connection’ and the ‘chemistry’ and whatnot, but tonight’s is only a little teary. Departing in this episode is Clancy, who sadly did not make Georgia Love overflow with feelings.
(Yes, I instantly regretted that joke. No, not enough to delete it.)
The person in the bottom two with him was Cam, so Clancy knew he was screwed long before G Love picked up that last rose. Seriously: no one is eliminating an actual romance novel fireman who they’ve just danced sexily with while blindfolded. No one.
The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.