Georgia Love is a lady who knows how to LIVE. Nobody puts G Love in a corner.
My TV best friend Georgia Love is down to only five — count ’em, five — men in her harem! How a lady can function with so few lovers is beyond me, honestly.
There was some rather unfortunate Bachie advertising today that featured all five men and it made it patently clear that they are basically identical: they’re all tall brunette men with shiny white teeth. It really brought it home to me how much I rely on their clothing to tell them apart. Would I even like Lee as much as I do if he didn’t occasionally wear his glasses?
… I’m pretty sure I would still loathe Courtney even if he wasn’t wearing those hideous paisley shirts and bow ties all the time. Fairly confident my GIRL, RUN instincts are based on his personality and not his shirts. Though let it be known that his shirts are horrible and there’s a solid chance that they’re a sabotage attempt on the part of the producers.
(Please don’t pick Courtney, G Love. This will really put a cramp in my plans for us to become sassy best friend flatmates who fight crime.)
But let us get to the recap! We began, as we so often do, with Osher delivering a date card, pulling it from some mysterious dimension like it’s a rabbit from a hat. Tonight’s recipient is Lee! He is not currently wearing his glasses (sadface), but G Love is taking him on a Dirty Dancing [ Amz | iT ] themed date, which — OMG, you guys. OMG.
Let’s pause here for a second. Let’s talk about Dirty Dancing.
I LOVE this movie, guys. Like, I love it. It has LADIES HELPING OUT OTHER LADIES. It has DANCING. It has ATTRACTIVE MEN. It has LADIES HELPING OUT OTHER LADIES BY DANCING WITH ATTRACTIVE MEN. It has PROGRESSIVE SEXUAL AND REPRODUCTIVE POLITICS. And — my favourite — it has the FRANK AND ACTIVE ADMISSION OF FEMALE DESIRE.
You know that iconic bit — come on, we all know that iconic bit — where Baby is staring at Johnny while Hungry Eyes [ Amz | iT ] plays? I have many favourite parts of this movie, but I think this might be my absolute favourite. For Baby, the thirst is real: she wants Johnny, and a large part of this film is her finding the language to express that. That’s something incredibly hard in modern culture, which frequently doesn’t allow women — and, in particular, girls — an active language in which to express their desires. But Dirty Dancing, a film way ahead of this time, not only gives Baby that opportunity, but celebrates it. The final triumph of the film isn’t that Johnny and Baby are together, even though their love story is a huge part of the film. The triumph is that, really, truly, no one puts Baby in the corner. She finds her language. She finds her words. She finds a way to express her thirst: to celebrate her hungry eyes.
… yeah, I really, REALLY love Dirty Dancing, and I love that Georgia Love loves it, too. She is a lady who knows how to use her words when the thirst is real. Bless.
And I think it’s safe to say that when it comes to Lee, both Georgia Love and Australia as a whole has some hungry eyes (particularly when he wears his glasses). I certainly do, so I am PSYCHED for this date.
There is a sort of challenge element to this date. One of G Love’s forever dreams is to do the lift (you know, THAT lift) from Dirty Dancing, and Lee is the man she has chosen to do it with her. ‘Do you know Dirty Dancing?’ she asks him.
‘Of course I do!’ he replies. ‘I have three sisters. No one puts Baby in the corner.’
Oh, yes. Oh, Lee. Oh, loverboy.
So it takes them a while of her running towards him and him lifting her marginally higher and higher over his head, but eventually, they get there. They do the lift. And she’s wearing a flowing white dress and it’s raining and they’re next to the water and it’s so beautiful and I honestly don’t understand why she doesn’t marry him immediately.
(Speaking of next to the water: why didn’t they practice this lift in the water? Have they not seen Dirty Dancing? Then they could have practiced it on the land while artfully dripping wet from all their aquatic activities. Missed opportunity, Bachie producers.)
After they do the lift, they retire to the traditional couch of wine, cheese, and intimate chats. I’m pretty sure they, you know, have a conversation? Like, G Love is like, ‘so are you into me?’ and he’s like, ‘oh yeah, I’m into you,’ and she’s like, ‘great, because I’m into you!’ But honestly, I couldn’t tell you specifics, because Lee is wearing his glasses and I’m pretty sure I had an out-of-body experience.
I can tell you that they pashed, though, and it was mighty. I am so on board this ship.
Next up: the group date! And — oh god, you guys, I love Georgia Love so much. She takes the five remaining dudes to a recording studio. ‘So remember how you all wrote me that song a while back and I loved it?’ she says. ‘Well, now I’m going to make you write me another one, minions — and this time, we’re recording it.’
Honestly, that’s the dream, isn’t it? To make your harem of handsome men write songs about you and then record them so you can play them back to yourself whenever you like and remind yourself that you’re spectacular? Georgia Love is a lady who knows how to LIVE.
(Like, for realsies — I know that most of The Bachelor/ette is producer-designed, no matter what they want us to believe about the Bachie planning the dates, but so much of this season has been obvious wish fulfilment for G Love. Look at the Dirty Dancing date! She is living her best life right now.)
So they’re all paired up: Lee and Courtney (aka good and evil), Matty and Jake, and Cam and Georgia Love. ‘I picked Cam to be my partner because he told me he always wanted to sing a duet with me!’ G Love tells us.
Sure, girlfriend. Sure. Nothing to do with the fact that he’s an actual romance novel fireman or anything.
Much is made of the fact that Lee cannot sing — although honestly no one there is going to be winning karaoke anytime soon. As a long-time Australian Idol host, this must be very hard for poor ol’ Osher in the corner. But let’s be real: as if any of us can hear Lee’s apparently terrible voice over the extremely loud chorus of HUNNNNNNNNGRY EYYYYYYYES / ONE LOOK AT YOU AND I CAAAAAAAN’T DISGUISE / I’VE GOT HUNNNNNNNNGRY EYYYYYYYES / I FEEL THE MAGIC BETWEEEEEEEN YOU AND I playing in all of our heads whenever he’s on screen.
There’s a producer there, and he puts all the different bits of the songs together once they’ve recorded it. Then he auto-tunes the shit out of it — like, I cannot overstate how much auto-tune is in play here — and plays it back to them. And it’s … still terrible, honestly, but I love the fact that Georgia Love made all her boys write songs about their love for her too much to care.
She has to pick the boy who did the best to spend some more one on one time with her, and she chooses Jake, because of … I don’t know, reasons? They retire to a wine/cheese/chat couch for wine, cheese, and chats. ‘I was really hoping the chemistry wasn’t still there, but it is,’ G Love tells the camera somewhat dolefully.
The addendum ‘… but whatever, he’s still not winning,’ is not spoken, but obviously still there.
Cocktail party time! They all look very sharp, but Lee strolls in wearing a snappy suit AND his glasses, and the chorus of Hungry Eyes starts playing in my head again and it won’t go away.
Ahem. G Love has nice chats with Matty J and Fireman Cam before she moves on to Courtney. ‘YOU ARE SO HARD TO READ AND I HATE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HERE,’ Courtney proclaims.
‘Um … okay,’ Georgia Love replies. ‘You knew there were going to be other people here, right?’
‘Yes, but … IT’S STILL HARD OKAY.’
All Courtney seems to be trying to do is set her off balance and I am just so not here for it. And what do you mean, she’s hard to read? When someone says ‘you’re hard to read’, it almost always means I know what you mean but I don’t like it so I’m going to pretend I don’t know what you’re saying.
So as we go into the rose ceremony, I’m feeling quietly confident that our mother of dragons will do what clearly needs doing and rid herself of this troublesome man. And — so far, so good. Lee gets a rose. Matty gets a rose. Jake gets a rose. All we have left are Cam and Courtney, and it’s not like G Love is going to eliminate her beautiful butterfly boy, is it?
But she does it. Courtney gets the rose. Cam is gone. And the nation is CRYING FOREVER (until they realise Cam is single, in which case, they get suddenly very thirsty).
Seriously, G Love, you are my fantasy best friend, but what were you thinking? Cam is an actual romance novel fireman with dreamy eyes. Courtney is a paisley menace who manspreads in small planes.
Look, I don’t want to hyperbolise tooooooo much, but we’d all support a royal commission into this decision, right?
The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.