Vegetarian vampires and Aunt Flo

Vegetarian vampires and Aunt Flo
Photo: Blood by xTrish (via Flickr) - flickr.com/photos/x_trish/5132710750/
Photo: {link url="http://www.flickr.com/photos/x_trish/5132710750/"}Blood{/link} by xTrish (via Flickr)

Warning: Not for the squeamish. (And I haven’t had this much fun with euphemisms ever.)

I love a good vampire romance as much as the next Twilight fan, and I love it when authors force their ethical vampire heroes to fall in lust with human heroines. It’s a heady thrill to read about the excruciating dilemma of a vegetarian vampire, a conscientious objector when it comes to live blood sport, whose instincts throb in the presence of his One True Love and her pulsating arteries.

It’s why we let Edward get away with stalking bloody Bella. Because he’s conflicted! And hungry! And noble! And sparkly!

Wait, what?

But seriously. There’s a question that has never been addressed to my satisfaction by any paranormal romance or urban fantasy book I’ve read:

What happens every month when Aunt Flo is visiting, when all is not quiet on the waterfront, when the heroine is trolling for vampires?

If Bella’s papercut had a houseful of vampires roaring with excitement, do we really think a tampon would do the trick?

I suppose the heroine could go on the pill and just skip the inactive ones in perpetuity. Or until she dies. Or turns immortal somehow, because how else would we have a decent happy ending?

We won’t mention ghosts. Some of us are still bitter about that. (But yes, that would solve the problem nicely.)

In fact, what happens to vegetarian vampires when they’re walking along the street and get a whiff of the crimson wave? What then, author? What then???

We won’t even talk about blue bins. How would a vampire ever go anywhere near a public restroom?

The upside to all this, of course, is something that I can’t believe authors consistently overlook.

If you’re a heroine with a vampire lover, for a few days a month you won’t have to cook your own cucumbers. He’ll be more than happy to eat at the Y.

Better stock up on the bed linen.

11 comments

  1. oldbitey says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! Mentioning Myrtle the Monthly Menace is another taboo akin to pooping. No one ever mentions that either, except in Taro Gomi’s Everyone Poops. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Jo Hart says:

    In one of the Sookie Stackhouse (The Southern Vampire Mysteries) novels there is actually a mention of it. From ‘Definitely Dead’ page 120 (the vampire is Bill):
    “We do something wrong, Sook?” Catfish said. “Or is it just your time of the month?”
    “You didn’t do anything,” I said. And it wasn’t my time of the month–oh. Yes, it was. I’d had the warning with the ache in my back, the heaviness in my stomach, and my swollen fingers. My little friend had come to visit, and I felt the sensation even as I realized what was contributing to my general irritation.
    I glanced over at Bill and caught him staring at me, his nostrils flaring. He could smell the blood. A wave of embarrassment rolled over me, turning my face red. For a second, I glimpsed naked hunger on his face…”

  3. Decadence says:

    In Memnoch the Devil, Lestat drank very intimately from a woman who was an evangelist or clergyman’s daughter or something like that at her time of the month. It’s not a romance, but a rare example of that happening.

  4. Kat says:

    Jo and Decadence — Oh, I’m glad there are examples. I do think it’s mostly overlooked, and I can’t think why. Female authors are writing these romances!

    OldBitey — Bowel movements are another kettle of fish. Romantic suspense doesn’t have nearly enough of it!

    Nicole — It never bothered me until Bella’s papercut, and I thought if the vampires go ballistic with a tiny bit of blood, how would they cope with human women at all! Aaaand…why bother biting women’s necks instead of offering free oral sex in exchange for blood? Win-win!

  5. Son says:

    There’re mentions of it in Jeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress series too.

    It’s a great series if you can get past the hero – who apparently lived in Australia – completely screwing up EVERY SINGLE THING he says about our country!

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