What do vampires and teenagers have in common?

Twilight Gifts by enslavedbyfaeries (via Flickr)
Twilight Gifts by enslavedbyfaeries (via Flickr)

I was listening to 702 ABC Sydney this afternoon and caught a bit of James Valentine’s review of Twilight, the movie. I didn’t bother noting it down because I thought the ABC would have a transcript online as it usually does for its TV programs, but I just checked, and NO TRANSCRIPT. Boo!

Such a shame, because it was such a funny review. Now I should mention that I haven’t read Twilight, I’m not at all invested in the film and, in fact, I don’t even know if I’ll read Twilight in the near future. (And especially not after Wandergurl sent me this link. Note: not for the squeamish. No, really.)

Anyway, it sounded like James thought the film had merit, and he had good things to say about the director, but I got the impression that he found the film a bit juvenile (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Here are some of the comments I can recall, recreated as best I can…

On Twilight being the next Harry Potter (as in phenomenon)

It’s not surprising that it’s so popular with young adults. Vampires and teenagers go very well together because they have one very important thing in common: their pre-occupation with sex. After all, according to Valentine, vampire bites are just glorified hickies with a bit of bubbly goodness. *snort*

On the lead actors

They do a lot staring. I think Valentine may have actually said, “Stare, stare, stare…”

On the narration

The film features some of the worst narration ever found in a movie. Apparently, some old man (or elf or something–I can’t remember) told Bella that Edward’s a vampire, Edward himself told her he’s a vampire, and even after all that, the narration goes something along the lines of: And I’ve come to the realisation that Edward is a vampire. (Does anyone know the proper quote?)

On the special effects

I got the sense that this was the biggest disappointment for Valentine. He said the effects are at about the same level as Xena: Warrior Princess (oh, ouch!). He basically said that it’s a shame because the film has a great director, but the special effects are so bad as to be laughable (my words, not his).

So what I want to know is … should I go see the movie or should I read the book first? And if I do, will someone promise to make sure I don’t read any of the sequels? *g*

Kat Mayo is a freelance writer, podcaster, Twitter tragic, and compulsive reader. Her reviews have appeared in Books+Publishing, and she was the winner of the 2014 RWA Romance Media Award. She believes in happy endings, and kills fairies with glee.

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