Once more unto the B(re)ach, dear friends! It’s time for Bachie-with-Jodi — and yes, I apologise for that awful pun.
There are only six ladies left, so competition for dates is tough. (Insofar as it’s a competition, anyway — the ladies don’t have a lot of agency here.) Tonight’s recipient of the date card pulled mysteriously from Osher’s pants is Faith, a contestant with a strong bridesmaid-not-the-bride feel about her. Poor Faith. At least she can be grateful that no one’s made any ‘have faith in love’ or ‘you gotta have faith-er-faith-er-faith’ jokes. Yet.
And lucky Faith — she’s got the most romantic date of all! As Richie explains to her in front of the other girls, they, like, laugh and stuff together, and so he’s invited comedian Hamish Blake on their date. Because that’s what every truly romantic, intimate date needs: a comedian third-wheeling.
But, as it turns out, Hamish isn’t just third-wheeling: he’ll be playing the role of Richie and Faith’s three-year-old son Rory, and if they fail at parenting him at any point, their date will be terminated.
NO, BACHIE. BAD BACHIE. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
You cannot make parenting dates more palatable by adding funny celebrities, Bachie. Stop. Please.
One thing that’s been very pronounced about this season of Bachie is that there have been dates you can fail at. Not only can you win extra time, as in a group date, but you can lose them as well. This has always been an implicit structure of Bachie — and it kind of makes sense, because dating is, in some senses, a sort of romantic interview, and not everyone is going to get the job of Partner. (It’s perhaps not coincidental that dating as a cultural practice and the explicit of intertwining of romance with the competitive practice of capitalism happened at about the same time, historically speaking.) However, this season has made this whole you-can-lose-at-love thing very explicit, often in humiliating and gendered ways, and … no. Stop.
Honestly, Bachie, if you were to ask me to consult on you, I would fix you up so good. We could make magic, you and I. Call me.
Anyway, so Faith and Richie take ‘Rory’ on an adventure. They drive around, then they go to Strike Bowling. I’m pretty sure it’s the one near my old university, so if only I had graduated with that degree in lurrrrrve that little bit later, I could have swooped in and saved Faith from all of this: because even though she’s laughing and putting a good face on things, she clearly haaaaaaaaates this date. Never have I seen someone bite back the word ‘cockblock’ with such poise and elegance. Well done, Faith.
Also notable on this date: ‘Rory’ asks his daddy Richie about his type, and Richie blushes bright red as he tries to deny that his type is blondes. I know I’m convinced.
Eventually — after a horrifyingly awkward incident where Faith is forced to take ‘Rory’ to the toilet and Richie utters the phrase ‘twinkle twinkle little dinkle’ (UM WHAT RICHIE) — Faith and Richie take their son home to the Bachie Pad, where they tuck him in bed. But of course, they have to undress him first. If only the phrase ‘Daddy’s very rough at taking pants off’ had been uttered in a different Bachie context.
With their kid asleep (‘asleep’), Richie and Faith order Italian via some very subtle-not-subtle Menulog product placement, and get their mack on on the couch. But — GASP! — there is NO ROSE.
This is much remarked on the next morning by the other ladies, but they are soon distracted by the arrival of another date card. And — GASP II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO — it is not a group date card! It’s another single date!
The recipient is Rachael. As Rachael is brunette, and has been chosen over Steph the blonde intruder, we can all just pretty much assume Steph is getting eliminated.
And — GASP III: TOKYO DRIFT — this date is actually pretty well thought out! It’s a ‘five senses’ date, where Richie and Rachael do little activities together to explore the five senses.
1. Sight. They take polaroid selfies. Dull, but a thing couples actually do.
2. Smell. With the help of a perfume-maker, they make their own signature scent. Rachael declares that she wants a ‘bold, here I am smell’, and then says that couples wouldn’t normally do this until they’d been together a while. I was not aware that making a signature scent was a romantic milestone, but NOW I KNOW.
3. Touch. Richie offers to give Rachael a foot massage — which would legit have been the most romantic thing to happen on this show so far! — but then cops out and gives her a hand massage instead. Weaksauce, sunflower boy.
4. Taste. They eat sushi together. Sushi is great and all, but I’ve watched enough Bachie to know that you get a goddamn cheese platter on these dates, and if someone swapped out my cheese for sushi, there would be trouble of the highest order.
5. Sound. Richie reads Rachael a loving letter from her mum, at which she cries. It’s very sweet, but it’s also a huge missed opportunity. Richie should be straight up serenading her right now! This should be the moment in 10 Things I Hate About You [ BT | Amz | iT ] when Heath Ledger sings to Julia Stiles! YOU NEED MY HELP, BACHIE. SEND UP THE JODES SIGNAL.
And once again, NO ROSE. It looks like Richie has used up his quota of date-time roses for the season. He has been pretty indiscriminate with them so far, to be honest.
Cocktail party time! The promos for this show suggested that there would be some EPIC DRAMA with Alex at this cocktail party, but — not for the first time — this is greatly overstated. Alex whisks Richie away and shows him some photos of her son to remind him that yes, her kid is a human person that exists in the world. ‘We are a package deal, and being with me means having him in your life,’ she tells him.
‘Yep, got it!’ Richie replies, and that is that. Cut and print.
Of more note is the fact that Olena is wearing the most incredible jumpsuit. I have no idea how she got into it — like, I don’t understand how the garment physically functions — but she looks incredible.
To no one’s surprise, the person eliminated at the rose ceremony is Steph the intruder, who was really only there to make up numbers. In the bottom two with her is Rachael, presumably as punishment for daring to be brunette. You’ve come a long way, Rachael, but your hair colour means your days are numbered.
The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.