In many ways, this season of Bachie has been on a commentary on how banal real-life romance can be. This season of Bachie is paradoxically too real.

Kat’s note: Apologies for posting this late! As a bonus, today we get two Bachie recaps! :-)

It is our penultimate venture into the wilds of Bachie, my friends! This week, our Bachie Richie has taken (well, ‘taken’) the final three ladies to Bali for our last round of dates. Who knows what will happen?

… well, we all know what will happen, but I have to recap it anyway. Such is the sacred duty of the Bachie recapper.

We open this week on a montage of Richie exercising while having SRS SRS BACHIE THOUGHTS about the SRS BIZ that is love. Sadly, some fool producer told him to exercise with his shirt on. It’s already been devastatingly revealed to us that what we thought was a beautiful sunflower dork prince is actually a very dull dude indeed. Must you also deprive of us of the moderately redeeming feature that is his abs? Can we not have nice things, Bachie?

Anyway, once he is done doing moody sit-ups, Richie heads out on his last round of dates. First on the whirligig of Bachie dates this week is Alex. The show has clearly spent all its money on getting Richie + contestants to Bali, because on this date all they do is drive to Ubud and then go on a bike ride through some rice paddies, probably disturbing the work lives of more than a few locals as they go. Literally nothing surprising happens. Alex loves Richie! Richie thinks Alex is pretty okay! They have a conversation that is basically a rehash of every conversation they have ever had, ever. ‘Hey, you remember I have a kid, right?’ quoth Alex.

‘Yep,’ Richie says. ‘Filed that one away in the ol’ mind-tank.’

Aaaaaaaand … end scene. Literally, that is all that happens. I don’t know if I’ve seen a more boring fifteen minutes of television in my life.

Oh, wait, apparently Alex calls Richie ‘Rich’ now. I guess we find that out.

Next up is Nikki. She has apparently been to Indonesia (or ‘Indo’, as she and Richie call it) a bunch of times before, so Richie can’t really get away with going, ‘hey, look, a rice paddy!’ and expecting her to be impressed. Instead, they make out a lot and then go on one of those flying fish things.

There’s a third dude clinging to the flying fish with them. I wish we had access to his thoughts. I feel like they would be by far the most interesting part of the whole episode. Instead, we find out controversial information such as the fact Richie ‘loves fun’. Wow. What an individual that guy is.

Then, on the next phase of the date, they sit somewhere that has been heavily set-dressed to scream WE’RE NOT IN AUSTRALIA YOU GUYS for the traditional champagne picnic. Nikki loves Richie! Richie thinks Nikki is pretty okay! They have a conversation that’s basically a rehash of every conversation they have ever had, ever. ‘I’m from Western Australia!’ quoth Nikki.

‘Oh hey, me too!’ Richie says.

Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before.

In many ways, this season of Bachie has been on a commentary on how banal real-life romance can be. We’re so conditioned to think of ‘love’ alongside ‘story’. This season of Bachie is paradoxically too real: there’s no real story, no narrative arc, and so, while it might be realistic and recognisable, it’s deeply, deeply dull.

Much like Richie. I had such high hopes for you, Mr Bingley, and you betrayed me.

The final lady Richie takes out is, of course, Olena — and, of course, her date is the most interesting of the three, because she is really, really just not that into him. ‘How Olena feels about me is a bit of a mystery,’ Richie extemporises, as Olena slowly inches away from him in the background.

It’s a surfing date, and it goes pretty much like this.

RICHIE: Let’s surf!

OLENA: If we must. BTW my mum hates you.

RICHIE: But wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?!

OLENA: *surfs away from him and carves up like 74 waves through the power of her excellence*

RICHIE: But wwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyy doesn’t your mum liiiiiiiiiiike me?

OLENA: Reasons. Oh, also my dad hates you too. THIS WILL NEVER WORK, right?

RICHIE: … Olena is so mysterious and I have no idea how she feels about me.

One of the many excuses Olena offers to Richie for the reasons it will NEVER WORK, NEVER is that she doesn’t want to move to Perth. Richie brightly suggests that they live between Sydney and Perth, like renting two places would be a snap. Any person that has ever negotiated the monstrosity that is the Sydney real estate market is instantly filled with rage.

This is by far the most interesting part of the episode. Richie is desperate for Olena to admit that she liiiiiiiiiiiiiikes him, and she gives him nothing. It goes like this.

RICHIE: I know you like me, but you are so traditional!

OLENA: *chugs wine*

RICHIE: I can see glimpses of your true emotionally vulnerable self!

OLENA: *chugs more wine*

RICHIE: I’ve thought fifty years into our future!

OLENA: *finishes the bottle, starts another*

RICHIE: We could be so good together!

OLENA: THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE. THIS IS REAL SHIT.

RICHIE: …

OLENA: *chugs wine*

That line about being real shit and not a fairy tale is a verbatim quote, by the way. Olena is every woman who has ever been on a terrible date that she doesn’t quite have the right opportunity to walk out on.

(Please make her next year’s Bachelorette. Give her a modicum of power and she could rule the world.)

Unsurprisingly, Olena is eliminated at the rose ceremony. ‘It wasn’t that hard to say goodbye to her,’ Richie says breezily, like he wouldn’t have attempted to put a girdle round the earth in forty minutes if she’d demonstrated even the slightest amount of interest in him.

And he doesn’t let her go a moment too soon. I’m pretty sure Richie might have actually died from the force of Olena’s laser stare if he’d made her hang around a second longer.

The show airs on Channel 10 on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. You can catch up on previous episodes via TenPlay.